"wrists are numb, heart is aching" .

i fucking hate this feeling!

questions existing...

truth is... i feel like i'm setting myself for a heartbreak
as much as i'm reassured by your words
i'm threatened by your extreme friendliness towards others
for instance, our good mornings no longer feels special
you ask others to say good morning to you when i thought it was just me who had that priviledge
i'm bothered
i'm confused
i'm annoyed
i'm hurt
but i can't do anything... we're not together... only talking
i want to tell you what i truly feel but i can't i don't want to push you away
i don't want to come off as controlling
i don't want to be like your ex
but now i understand where he's coming from
i now feel what he feels when others talk to you
it really does hurt
am i really doing the right thing here?
should i really invest this much effort into this?
what do i do?
am i better off being alone...

the funny thing about love

when you're in love, you're bound to get hurt

when you're hurt, you're suppose to bounce back and learn from your mistakes

and then you learn how to love again.

ideally, this is how every heartbreak ends and how new love begins

but sometimes that's not the case

sometimes... we end up building walls

we end up hurting so much that we force ourselves to become numb

those who end up hurting, become cynics

those who become cynics end up being alone

responsibility... take it!

today, my brother got kicked out of his volleyball team for being late.

my mom found out and got mad at my dad.

honestly, whose responsibility is it to get up in the morning to get to practice?

who's face needs to be there during practice?

... not my dad!

so if you are going to get angry... i would say it would be at my brother.

that little brat is spoiled!

he doesn't admit to his mistakes but rather blames it on others

in life you do not rely on others to make things work for you, you make things work for yourself

take responsibility for yourself!

if you need to be at practice at 7am, wake up at 6 and get your ass to school at 6:30am.

why would you wait on someone to wake you up?

grow up little brother.. and smell the fresh air

the world does not revolve around you!

here i am at home...

opted not go out tonight and watched movies instead

i bought "once" because of "falling slowly" (...which is currently on repeat)

i could not get this song out of my head so i had to buy the movie

then.. i fell in love...

not only with the movie but more with the song.

i know the movie came out 2-3 years ago... i knew i wanted to watch it but i forgot

oh well.. i'm just glad i did

i'm inspired...

what happens after?

its so weird when the clock strikes midnight and you realize... "wow i was already born.... it's not my birthday anymore"

sit down and remember when...

Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'
'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'.
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.
Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.
When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.
When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.
When a candy bar at the grocery store was the highlight of your day.
When the only thing you cried over was your mom being late to pick you up.
When stress was addition and subtraction.
When friendships were as complicated as who's house to sleep over.
When shaving cream was just meant for play.
When a first kiss only lead to cooties.
When Valentines Day meant cards for all.
When birthdays were a class event.
When a friend moving away was the saddest day of your life.
When the summer lasted forever.
When time didn't matter...

starstruck

saw gabe bondoc twice!

still mesmerized.... so unreal seeing him in person.

very down to earth, random, and talented

i wish i could've shaken his hand.

that woulda made my entire year... sigh

to live or not to live life... recklessly

i've always been the type of person who goes for what they want regardless of the consequences.

as long as i achieve that end goal, i'll never be satisfied with myself

sometimes it's really hard to explain that to others

my actions are rather misunderstood

but i guess everyone has an opinion

for me, i've realized that life is too short.

life is too short to worry about the consequences of every single decision and action you make

don't get me wrong, making smart decisions are good

but in life its not really necessary

yes. we lose track of ourselves

yes. we make mistakes

yes. we have regrets

but that's what life is or what it should be

you just let those things go and keep on moving

so go ahead.. make mistakes

... walk down the wrong path... have regrets....

in the end, you're only benefitting yourself

"life is too important to be taken seriously" - oscar wilde

a movie... for the cynics

oh what is there to say about 500 days of summer...

it's imperfectly perfect.. why?

cuz it doesn't follow the typical love story

it's not girl meets boy and eventually fall in love

it's more of.. boy meets girl.. and that's it.

it shows the dynamic of a relationship that never blossomed into love

as the movie reveal, love is not controlled by fate or destiny. there's no such things as soulmates, first loves, etc...

love is just a word that people describe that fuzzy feeling.

its an emotion that's really not meant to be described

it is defined by those who experience and shunned by those who don't

i guess i would say love.. or the feeling of love is situational

but coming from a cynic... i really wouldln't know

i've never been in love...

which is why i love the movie. =D

its chilly outside,

just smoking... passing time

i can't see any stars, maybe because there's a light post in front of my house

i just realized... i have nothing to look forward to

my vacations' are over. 

my days are just... repetitive..

i hate it.

a rant about you...

why do i do this to myself?

why am i letting this happen?

i'm beginning to see....

i know for a fact....

i'm definitely sure you don't....

but still i hold on.

i still hold on to something

that is not meant to be

... never was and never will

quiet moments are not always good

sometimes i wonder... why do i even try?

actually it's just recently that i even started asking myself that question. 

i've been so good blocking it off and not even remotely thinking about it.

i thought i was content with everything.

and then i go on vacation. 

i don't know if the whole thing was a blessing or not, but it definitely removed me from my routines. my comfort zone.

i was out of my element. 

coming back made it even worse. 

sitting in my room by myself was no longer peaceful and serene. the silence was deafening. kind of like a the sound you hear when a pin drops and the "ping"-ing sound goes on and on and on...

it never stops....

and then suddenly you realize how lonely you really are.

wtf.

you try hard to ignore people's bullshit. 

but sometimes you reach a point where it does get to you

it may seem like a childish act

but every action has consequences 

just wait until its your turn.

annoyed, pissed and paranoid

today i found out that my card has been compromised.

apparently, this person made a $319.00 purchase from ecco shoes two days after i paid my credit card. honestly, i don't even know where to begin. i feel sick to my stomach that someone could do such a thing. to use someone else's money like that is evil. this situation has made me extremely paranoid. to make matters worse, i will be going to california in 10 days and i do not have a card to use. 

i hope karma comes fast enough to bite this person in the ass...

thought of the day.

trust

an easy thing to lose, a hard thing to gain.

exciting things to come

so i'm slowly getting through my books... i'll finish it eventually

moving on to better things, i just got back from new york city. all i can say is wow. i missed out on so much when i lived in new york. i didn't realize that manhattan could be such an awesome place. the atmosphere was lively, it seems like no one ever sleeps in that city. the architecture, the historical significance, the people... man it was just too much to take in all at once. 

i'm just glad i was able to visit again. 

next on my vacation list... california.. and then florida.. yay..

gotta save up.. big time!

odd books are fun

goal: finish reading 5 books this summer!

problem: can never finish anything i start 

solution: find interesting books and... commitment

let the reading begin. 

are the wonders of my world...

today, i saw adele in concert.

she is definitely one of those musicians out there that demands attention when she opens her mouth. 

i couldn't have asked for a better person to see in concert than her. she interacted with the audience just like how she would with her friends. very personable and likeable, yet when she sings you really have to step back in awe and realize that she is only 20 years old!

she gave me goosebumps when she sang "hometown glory". it was haunting in a very reminiscent way. 

i thoroughly enjoy concerts like these where the venues are small and intimate, because you get to know the musicians. you get to appreciate their music rather than the hype. applauds are reciprocated by gestures of appreciations and humility. there's also less distractions. no costume changes, no back-up dancers, fireworks, and no gimmicks. its just the the person on stage and their instruments. it is truly a beautiful sight when you witness musicians metamorphose on stage. once the lights dim and the spotlights are on, musicians truly transform into artists. 

=)

oh summer, stop teasing me with your nice warm weather... =S

evolution

change. the evolution of life is always upon us. every micro second that the pass, something changes. 
i've been working at my job now for 6 months and my longing to go back to school is growing more than ever. repetition of tasks are definitely not for me. i crave to learn and to go beyond what i know, but i want to accomplish it doing something i love to do. 
which  goes to say... customer service is not for me. 
i rather create something that pleases people, than doing something to please people. 
being out of the comforts of school has led me to revisit a passion that i feel i have abandoned when i started university. art and design. as much as i loved drowning myself in creating art, it was strictly considered a hobby until now. these past few months, i feel that i am no longer seeing art as just a hobby. but rather - a career. from opening up pages of magazines to walking down the streets of toronto, i realized that art is everywhere. art has its own niche in the working world. although it doesn't pay well, doing something you love doing is worth so much more. it's challenging as you constantly have to prove your uniqueness in the industry, it's stressful as you have meet the criteria of clients, however at the end of the day, it's rewarding because you know when your work goes up as a billboard ad, a magazine cover, or a commercial, its reiterates the fact that you've accomplished something much bigger.

just a test